Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
