I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
