i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
