last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
