Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
why is half of my head shaved?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
