sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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