I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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