i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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