Porn is love you can see.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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