she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
