Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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