Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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