Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
