the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
