so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
