Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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