sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
