and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
