I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
