I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
