he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
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I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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