Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
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It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
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I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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