Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
