I am puke
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
FUCK WHALES
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
