Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
