Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
