i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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