Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
