She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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