I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
