Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm passing your future prison.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
