It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
