He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
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he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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