"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
