You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
