That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
