My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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