Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
