lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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