i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
