Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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