Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
