I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
