I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
