can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
