Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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