Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
