Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
