my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
