I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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