I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
