I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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