this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
