capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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