Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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