If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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