the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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