I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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