How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
