I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
