Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
